job interview rap

nasal voice lady and a quiet man like an ear-ache in the dark fran fine brown pants, gray shirt look like i'm a ham yea, uh huh, it gets sweaty wearing brown pants needa get ready, gotta be a real man
like a wet brown bag or like eel ham i eat rappers such as easy E and red man plus i eat eels like a baby navy seal, man [ocean sound effect] yea, plus i’m wearin brown paynts i’m wearing brown pants suffocating like a sealed ham

draw a friend

I drew kacie kim

make a book

describe stranger's sex life

I bet this person has sex (if he doesn't have a girlfriend) 2-3x per month with girls that he meets IRL via parties or other things. If this person does have a girlfriend, he probably has sex with her 2-3x per night, 3 nights per week. I bet this guy has also had sex w a man 3-4x in his life.

I was standing next to this guy in line at H&M and he was checking out a suit jacket that had mirrors on the lapel.

I bet this guy, when he has sex, doesn't look at the girl and then showers immediately afterward.

how to: make tofu scramble

ingredients: 

• tofu
• olive oil
• vegetables of ur choice. suggestions: tomato, cucumber, avocado. (i suggest more light/crunchy, breakfast/lunch type vegetables, not the kind of vegetables you would put in a stir-fry. also, don't put too many in, the tofu is more important)
• toffuti cream cheese
• optional: things to flavor the tofu like soy sauce, chilli paste, or whatever you like. don't use too much

instructions: 

• chop/dice tofu as finely as possible. you don't need to crumble/"scramble" it yet though.
• chop vegetables
• put some olive oil in a pan and heat
• add tofu to the pan.
• while it is cooking, bash it up with a large thing of your choice, to try crumble the tofu as it cooks. it tastes better when it is very crumbly.
• add more olive oil. add flavor if you want. cook until golden brown
• if any of your vegetables need to be cooked (try avoid using too many of these, if you must use any at all), add them when you feel the tofu is 3/4 done
• when the tofu is done add the vegetables
• add some little clumps of toffuti with a spoon. this may sound strange, but it is very good and makes a big difference. but not 100% essential. adding similar-sized clumps of avocado is also nice.
• put it in a bowl
• mix all the ingredients as if shuffling a deck of cards, so that none of the original groupings of ingredients remain - this way it is a true scramble.

notes:

• the idea is to aim for a kind of light, crisp taste that would be suitable for breakfast, but this is a very good dinner too.
• perhaps as a side beverage you will enjoy a japanese beer with a similar light/crisp quality, or a sweet glass of juice 
• this recipe and method is self-taught

listen to a song you ain't heard before

I listened to "peppermint tint" by riff raff (http://youtu.be/wRVbjwjdD_U)

I like that the intro to the video was a NES-type thing, I felt good thinking about jody highroller bein in a damn video game.

the song was a medium-good riff raff song, I think.

at one point during the song I thought he was saying "pepperoni" instead of "peppermint" and laughed to myself

I think I liked the video for it a lot, except for the part where riff raff's head was photoshopped onto a wolf's head. I imagined the guy who made the video showing riff raff his head photoshopped onto a wolf's body and riff raff saying "yea that's cool" while looking down at his phone and then immediately walking out of the room while typing on his phone.

the "rap game [name of famous person]" seems fun to think about. I thought of a good one earlier. maybe it was "rap game jeff goldblum" I don't remember.

one of the comments on the youtube video says "One of Riff's best tracks yet. I drip honey all over my woman's ass while this is playing." which seems really funny and sweet.

survival list for one week at annoying aunt/uncle's house over winter holidays

• small bottle of tabasco
  
• "healthwise for heart wellbeing" cereal
  
• three bottles of wine
  
• bicycle (if possible)
  
• two large boxes of fresh fruit and vegetables (if possible)
  
• money, laptop, phone
  
• headphones, ipod, earplugs
  
• books to read
  
• bronze buddha head
  
• a pair of goggles

small play

MATTHEW, 22, dark sweater, jeans. 

WILLIAM, 50 something, two coats, jeans. 

ROSS, 13, coat, jeans.

WOMAN, 50 something, light top, cardigan, pants

NARRATOR, 60, white longish hair, blazer, tweed pants

INTERIOR THEATER

MATTHEW takes seat between WILLIAM and ROSS at top row of audience area facing stage. Lights dim, WOMAN stands in spotlight at front of stage.

WOMAN

Thank you all for coming to our Winter Performance. We're glad you made it here despite the weather...

WILLIAM

(Leans to MATTHEW, whispers) She's the one—the Michael Jackson one

MATTHEW

(Leans to WILLIAM, whispers) Did she see him light on fire?

WILLIAM

(whispers) I don't know if she was there for the Pepsi thing...

WOMAN

We are lucky to have [NARRATOR's name] here tonight. You probably know him from television and movies. I called him up and told him, "We're doing 'The Little Matchgirl' this year and we need a narrator, could you recommend anyone?' and he was generous enough to offer to take the part himself...

Dance recital happens

INTERIOR THEATER

Lights come up, audience mills around, MATTHEW, WILLIAM, ROSS stand. MATTHEW and ROSS move from seats down stairs toward stage. NARRATOR stands on stairs near his wife.

ROSS

...but my Spanish teacher, Ms. Turk, she plays Halo and everything, she's so cool.

MATTHEW

(not paying attention to ROSS) Oh, cool. (passes NARRATOR, turns, looks up at NARRATOR descending stairs, hesitates. Then—) Uh, good job narrating.

NARRATOR

(looks slightly confused, surprised) Oh... Oh, thank you.

"stare at something for 5+ minutes then write what you felt/thought while doing that"

I stared at this image from internethistory:

In the first 30 or so seconds, probably because I was nervous about the new task, for some reason I tried to not think anything like I was meditating, and mostly focused on my breathing and how my body felt. I felt a slowly escalating need to poo. During that time I mostly looked at the dog in the photo, but didn't think much about it besides vaguely speculating about what the leash was tied to (looking at it now it doesn't seem to be tied to anything). I mostly felt distant. For a while I felt vague irritation and resistance, probably because I was trying too hard to focus on my thoughts/feelings. I became less irritated when I started looking at the crown-like things on the poles. I felt that was a more pleasant resting spot for my eyes. I noticed a number of cool looking wires or strings that looked like lightly drawn photoshop drawings and tried to remember where I recognized that style of photoshop drawing. I tilted my laptop screen a little and the wires became far more easily visible. The writing on the ship (middle left) also became easily readable, when before I didn't know what it said. The whole photo looked much better. This motivated me to look at the dog again, which I did and felt much less stressed about it this time. I felt very confused by the dog's arm, the one closest to the camera. Why is the fur so thick? -  especially since it appears much thinner nearer to the paw ... I also looked at the street in the photo and wondered whether glinting area slightly to the right of the middle was a puddle, and whether it had just rained before the photo was taken (I assume it did). When my five minutes were up (I used a phone timer) I felt calm and maybe playfully curious. I still feel as interested in the photo as I did before doing this

note: this is account is unedited, non-proofread

coffee rap

temporary, site specific sculpture

(inspired by: http://www.victoriadurnak.com/Pizza-Hut-Monument)

basket

things visible in room (spare bedroom)

babby cam (camera to spy on/monitor a small babby while it sleeps)

clock lying on its back, time seems to be wrong

jeans on floor

towel, speedos, on floor

pair of thongs. ("flip flops")

toilet paper roll

phone

novel

notebook

lamp

chair

small wooden box

"wicker(?)" basket containing toys and books designed for babbys/toddlers

babby toy that is a ball with another ball inside it attached to a handle

me

laptop

laptop charger

depressed golden wristwatch rap

I'm a wristwatch

I'm a bitch watch

chillin on the wrist of some bitch who work the gift shop

her daddy got me after a life of invest stock

passed down along with his momma's rock when his heart stopped

[can't think of anything else to write]

ten interview questions i'd like to answer

1. What are three "bad" things that you like? (Eg. "Bad pizza")

2. Recommend one song.

3. Name a physical feature that excites you (sexually and/or otherwise).

4. Recommend one poem.

5. Who is someone that you intensely dislike, or did at one stage?

6. Recite five tweets (not including your own) without looking at twitter.

7. Recommend three Japanese twitter accounts and three English-language twitter accounts.

8. What are your favorite foods?

9. Which do you prefer: teens or babbys?

10. What are some qualities you like and dislike, respectively, in a Scrabble opponent?